Drowning
by Mlle Dominique
Summary: A story from Malachite's perspective. Malachite struggles with her identity as she feels like she is constantly falling apart. Both Jasper and Lapis Lazuli are struggling for dominance, one constantly drowning the other. While her inner components fight, Malachite lies on the ocean floor, trying to hold herself together, perpetually drowning but being unable to drown.
1. Prologue

**\- Prologue -**

I'm… drowning.

The water is tightly bound to my wrists, dragging me down like shackles. The weight of it feels so heavy on my chest. It's crushing me. Embracing me. I'm being dragged down so far that I can't even see the light anymore.

 _Let me go! You don't know what you're doing!_

 _No! You're my prisoner now! And I'm never letting you go!_

I feel myself falling apart. It hurts. The feeling of being torn apart from the inside claws its way through me. But I won't let myself. I can't fall apart. Not so soon. I hold myself together, clutching myself violently, holding myself in.

The farther down I go, the heavier the water is. I try to swim up, but I won't let myself. The water just pulls me down, down, down… is this what it feels like to suffocate?

 _You don't have to do this! We can defeat them, together!_

 _Don't you see? It's not about that! I'm going to keep you here; we're going to stay trapped here together! I won't let you hurt him anymore!_

It's so dark… it's so cold…

I finally reach the bottom. I'm never going to see the light again. I'm never going to see the light again. I keep trying to swim back up, and I refuse to let myself. Instead I just hold on to myself, comforting myself, restraining myself. I scream, but the dark, empty ocean won't let any sound escape. The dark, empty ocean won't let me escape.

Struggling against the crushing weight of the water feels so useless, but I can't stop myself from trying. I futilely persist, I hold myself back, I silently scream. I hold my face in my hands and laugh at the absurdity of my fate.

I'm drowning.

I'm drowning.

Am I going to drown forever?


	2. Chapter 1

**\- Chapter 1 -**

 _When are you going to stop! Fighting me is useless! I'm never letting you go!_

 _I will never stop fighting! I was made to fight! I live to fight! Until the day I am shattered, I will fight! A puny gem like you can't keep me down!_

 _Watch me._

It hurts. It hurts so much. I'm falling apart again. I can't fall apart. I need to stay alive. I wrap my arms around myself, violently holding myself. I scream soundlessly: out of pain, out of desperation, out of frustration. But the ocean, in its cold solitude, drowns out my screaming. No one will ever hear me.

No one will ever hear me.

"I've got to… keep it together… I've got to get away..."

 _Release me! Or I'll make you!_

 _Why don't you just SHUT UP._

 _Let me go, you puny, insignificant, worthless-_

 _SHUT UP!_

 _. . ._

 _. . ._

 _She's / I'm drowning._

The strange feeling of calm combined with extreme fear floods through me. She's drowning her. I can feel it. It feels... so odd. I hold myself tighter; grasping at my face violently in distress, grasping my torso to comfort myself. Eventually my hands fall down at my sides, resting on the ocean floor.

 _Just shut up._

My breath slowly starts to… calm down. I start to calm down. She's pushing her down, I can feel it. Jasper is fighting so hard, but she's keeping her down. She's keeping me down. I don't feel at ease, but I'm still. I can't seem to bring myself to move. My screaming becomes quieter, as Lapis takes control of me. For the first time in my life, I feel a semblance of peace.

"Ha… ha ha…. Hahahahahahahahaa…" I laugh quietly to myself. "It's finally quiet." The pain of falling apart slowly seeps out of me. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. But I still ache. She's… sad.

 _It's quiet._

 _It's so quiet._

 _I'm… so alone._

 _Steven..._

Lapis Lazuli starts crying, and I do too. I'm alone. I'm so alone. I'm trapped here, under the crushing weight of the cold ocean. I'm never truly going to be at peace.

But I'm not even… me, am I?

I'm ' _us'._

Tears flood from my eyes as I laugh at myself. As I laugh at _ourselves._ Look at the disgusting mess we've gotten ourselves into. Trapped on the ocean floor, prisoners of our own devices. Slaves to no one but ourselves, forever.

Forever.

"I hate us!" I scream, tears still flowing. "I hate us, I hate us, I hate us!" I struggle and pull at the chains that she placed around us, the shackles that we placed on ourselves. "I hate us… so much…" Pulling on the restraints does nothing to free me. The tears of desperation do nothing to comfort me. "I… we…"

I curl up into a ball, clutching myself tightly. She's holding us, she's trying to help us not feel so alone. Lapis would often hold herself like this when she was alone. And we were more alone than we will ever be in our existence. Chained to each other, against both our wills, forever together and forever apart. What a lonely, ironic fate we have.

"I just want to be free…" I close my… _our_ eyes tightly. Gripping my sides and the chains that bind us, I try hard not to feel alone. Bitter tears fall from our eyes, mixing in with the ocean that suffocates us.

"Steven…"


End file.
